


Eye Contact (And Other Things I'm Bad At)

by rory_the_faery



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Original work - Freeform, Poetry, Substance Abuse, poetry compilation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-20
Packaged: 2018-04-15 08:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 4,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4599627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rory_the_faery/pseuds/rory_the_faery
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A compilation of personal poetry of mine about my experiences with rape and abuse, and how I've coped (or not coped) with it.  It's not really in order, and there's a lot of flashback/reminiscing in it, so it's not necessarily in chronological order, but the order is deliberate even though it's not chronological, so I wouldn't recommend jumping around because it'll be confusing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Matthew

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is really appreciated on all of these! Thank you so much for even taking the time to read these; they're very close to my heart and I'm still very nervous about publishing them. I hope you all like them! 
> 
> The chapter titles are NOT the titles of them poems (none of them have titles right now), but they are the names of the people to whom the poem is written (the person "you" refers to throughout each poem).

I’m not really sure  
Why I’m here. You invited me over, I think,  
But I’m  
High and I can’t quite remember.

We smoked a lot from your bowl and that  
Would have been enough.  
It was plenty. For me,  
Anyway. You smoke a lot  
More often than I do.  
I suppose you have a higher tolerance.

You say you have some more.  
Okay. I can smoke more.  
You go to roll it up for us and I think  
I’ve never smoked a blunt before,  
Only ever from a bowl,  
But I’ve smoked cigarettes, and that’s  
Almost the same thing, isn’t it?

The paper is strawberry flavoured,  
Leaves a sweet taste on my lips and we  
Smoked the whole thing between  
The two of us.  
I can’t tell who smoked more.

And then, I’m lying  
In your bed with you.  
You might be rubbing  
My thigh. I’m not sure.

“Hey, there’s a bit left in the bowl.  
Why don’t you finish it off, 

~~Sexy?”~~

You hand me the bowl, and I just  
Take it.  
I can barely hold it properly  
And you have to _help me_  
Raise it to my lips.  
And when it’s beat,  
I’m coughing, and I slump   
Back onto the pillow.

Or maybe it's your shoulder.

No, it must be the pillow,  
Because you’re standing up to put  
Your bowl back on your desk.

And then you’re kissing me  
And I feel it, but I don’t quite  
Something isn’t processing right  
In my head.

I think I’m laughing, and maybe  
You think that means yes.  
Yes to what?  
How could I not laugh?  
I’m higher than I’ve ever been  
And I don’t really understand,  
Not quite aware  
Of what’s going on until  
Something pushes inside of me, and I realise  
My clothes are gone.

I look up, and you’re  
On top of me, and you’re smiling.

And you ask me if it feels good.

What the hell am I supposed to say to that?


	2. Maria Gabriella

I could taste the  
Wine on your lips,  
Cigarette smoke and  
Rum and coke.  
It feels so natural  
To fall into your arms  
Like it did  
When the sky was filled with  
Shooting stars,  
Falling stars.  
And you were  
Everything  
And your name rolled off my tongue  
Like the prayers on my rosary.  
You were chalk pastels I used  
To sketch your portrait  
Bright, vibrant colours  
Beneath earthy skin tones  
Soft and sharp all at once  
And oh so lovely.  
And I remember those moments  
That cool October morning  
When they’d all gone out  
And it was me  
And it was you  
And we sat and smoked cheap cigarettes  
And I laughed  
And I loved you  
And I caught a glimpse  
Somewhere in your eyes,  
You loved me too.

I could remember  
How short-tempered you were  
Or how  
It all went to hell, like I  
Suppose I should have seen coming,  
After all, I  
Should know better than to fall in love  
With someone  
At all, really,  
And even more so when there are  
Substances involved  
That might make me stupid  
Enough to just  
Kiss you out of the blue and think  
Your parents wouldn’t kill me  
If they knew.

But I chose instead to just remember  
The touch of your hand and the  
Way your lips moulded to mine.  
And you were  
So very beautiful  
So I was  
Fortunate in that respect  
Just to have been able to  
Chastely touch your hand  
And sleep in the same bed as you.


	3. Matthew

I don’t imagine  
You enjoyed it very much  
When you took what was mine from me.  
I wasn’t very responsive.

It’s hardly my fault though.  
What did you expect,  
After getting me that high?

Or maybe, I suppose you wanted me to be  
Like that.  
Quiet, scared, complicit.  
I didn’t  
Say no. I didn’t  
Fight back.

I suppose that’s what you wanted, isn’t it?  
Someone who wouldn’t

Fight back?  
Someone shy and insecure.  
And we both knew I’d do  
Anything to feel   
More grown up than I was.

And you failed a grade,  
And I skipped one.  
So really, I’m  
Older than I am.  
And you’re younger than you are.

~~Or maybe it's the other way around.~~

Because you leaned down  
Next to my head, while you were  
Fucking me into your bed,  
And whispered against my ear  
To never _ever_ tell anyone.

So I didn’t tell anyone for almost a year  
That you were thinking about  
How much younger I was  
While you were fucking me or that I  
 ~~Think~~ Know you got off to it.

I didn’t tell anyone for almost a year  
That you invited me over   
Again, and again, and again and I just  
Went.

Because no wasn’t an option.  
I don’t know how I knew because  
You never said it, but I think  
Your hands said it to my body once, and  
My body remembers lots of things

That my brain has to forget.


	4. Elijah

I took your virginity on Saturday.  
It hurt and it felt amazing and  
It was exhausting and I’m sore and I want  
To sleep with you again.

You put your hands on me and told me  
I was beautiful,  
And your mom came home, but the door was  
Locked so we didn’t stop and  
You had to find a condom  
In your sister’s room, and

I almost cried when I realised  
That I was taking yours from you  
Because I thought about when Matthew  
Took my virginity when I didn’t ask him to

And it hurt  
And I was just exhausted and sore, but it  
Didn’t feel amazing and I  
Didn’t want  
To sleep with him again.

~~(Is this what power feels like?)~~

Then my stepdad phoned to say  
He’d be there to pick me up,  
So you didn’t get to finish  
And I felt bad, but next time  
I’ll make you come and it will be incredible.


	5. Elijah

A day later, I thought about you  
On Sunday at church  
And I confessed, but I  
Did not repent  
For letting you touch me  
And hiding the fact that I almost  
Cried while you were fucking me  
Because I couldn’t  
Help but think about _him._  
But you called me beautiful  
Like he never  
Did just hurt me and took  
What didn’t belong to him  
And I want  
To give it to you so I’m sorry  
That he took it before  
I could give it to you  
But you gave me yours and I wish I could  
Guard it and keep it safe  
But I’ll probably  
Misplace it somewhere and I hope  
You’ll forgive me like I  
Never did forgive him so I suppose  
I’m not very good at this, but  
It’s okay if you’ll just kiss me  
But very softly because I’m fragile  
And I might shatter if I  
 ~~Confess to you that I love you and~~  
Do not repent for it.


	6. Matthew

The second time you  
Fucked me, I just played pretend  
And then  
It wouldn’t really be happening  
Just pretend

-ing was easy enough when you  
Let me just lay there until  
You started to put your mouth  
On me, and I did _not_ like that. It was  
 _Too much, too much, stop, stop, stop._

But eventually you did stop  
And I suppose I should have  
Been more appreciative.  
So I’m sorry if I  
Had to slip out of the room again  
Back into the darker crevices  
Of my mind so I couldn’t feel  
The way you ripped my legs open and  
Shoved your way inside

Without so much as  
Even bothering to knock or  
Ring the doorbell.

And I would think  
You should know better  
Than to come in without knocking,  
Without me letting you in,  
Because maybe I would have  
Preferred just to sit on the front porch  
And watch the sunset and people  
Go by with their dogs  
And never set foot inside the house.  
Just talk and point at  
The stars  
Like we were just children still.  
We are, I think, children.  
Or at least, I am.  
I know that now.

That would have been my  
Ideal night but you  
Didn’t want to sit outside, maybe  
You got bit by too many mosquitos  
Or got tired of how beautiful  
The moon is ~~so lovely.~~  
And so you wanted to come inside.  
And the door was locked but that  
Didn’t stop you  
Just pushed right on in.

But it’s okay, and I   
Have to forgive you because I  
Told you I loved you and you never  
Said it back.  
And I think, if I just let you  
Inside and take whatever   
You want from me,  
Maybe if you take everything --  
Every last thing I had,

Maybe then you’ll be  
Satisfied enough that I could  
Turn you into something that will  
Love me back.


	7. Elijah

I thought about you Sunday afternoon  
On a walk while I was praying my rosary and thought  
What a shame that they  
Told me this was a sin  
And that I haven’t  
The slightest desire to stop.

It doesn’t feel like sinning, even though I  
Know it must be.  
It feels wonderful and right like it  
Never did with Matthew, and  
You call me beautiful instead of just  
Telling me I feel good around you,  
And so Sunday night I asked  
To be your girlfriend.

I told you, in some detail, about Matthew.  
(Except that I lied to you  
About having slept with another guy since then,  
So I wouldn’t have to explain why  
I was so stupid  
To let him fuck me two,  
three,  
four times  
And hated it.)

Maybe I’ll tell you the truth later,  
But for now I just tell you other truths,  
Like how he liked my profile picture on Facebook  
And how seeing his name makes me feel sick  
And how I can’t unfriend him because  
I just can’t  
But I really should.

And I told you about how he shaved his head and how  
His beard makes him look older and how  
I wish someone would tell his girlfriend that  
She’s not his type  
Because his type is virginal fifteen-year-olds  
Who are too high to fight back.

And you were two of those things, so I suppose  
I’m really not much better.

But you said telling her that he’s a  
Rapist wouldn’t solve much,  
So I didn’t (Not that I ~~would~~   
Could have anyways.)

I told you about the fear,  
And how I’m angry  
And scared   
And _angry_.  
And you said you wished you were with me  
To make me less scared,  
But you let me be angry,  
And I think I love you because you let me  
Be angry. I want  
To _be_ Angry because she is  
Strong and fearless and if I was  
Angry, I could be  
A fire and rip  
Right through the Earth and _**burn**_  
If only I could stop being so

Afraid.


	8. Elijah

I like when your lips  
Press against the soft, delicate  
Skin on my throat and leave little  
Marks where your  
Teeth kissed me.

I’m not sure why it should feel so  
Close, so intimate.  
Like the whole universe is  
Kissing me and holding me, but I know

He never kissed me there and I’m  
Glad he didn’t because I would have been  
Afraid he might  
Tear open my throat like he was an  
Animal and I was prey and he was  
A predator, though I suppose,  
In a way, we were, and I hope

You realise that’s not what I mean  
When I say to  
 _Fuck me like an animal_. I just  
Say it to try to convey the  
Raw, unfiltered passion that  
I crave from your body when it kisses mine.


	9. Robyn

In May, we would sit there by the water,  
Just close enough that our feet didn’t touch,  
But that they could if we wanted them to.  
Here where I used to stand in the water,  
Ankle-deep to catch something with my hands  
To impress you, and God I wanted to  
Impress you so much you’d let me sweep you  
Off your feet and maybe then kiss you, like  
The Wind sometimes gets to kiss the Sky, if  
She impresses her. But first, catch a fish.  
I never did catch one or kiss you, but  
You don’t mind, just sit here by the water  
And tell me stories about your boyfriend  
Because he’s tall and strong and so caring  
And he is everything that I am not.  
But can he catch a crayfish with his hands?  
Or sweep you off your feet like the wind and  
Kiss you like you’re beautiful as the sky?  
Because you are, I think, a lot like Sky  
Because you’re always just out of my reach  
And I could never kiss you like Wind does  
So I’m content to sit here and listen  
To your stories and tip-toe in ice  
Just like we used to in the winters  
And scramble back to the earth for safety  
When it started to crack below our feet.  
Sometimes I would wish that you would fall through  
Just so I could save you and maybe then  
You’d let me sweep you off your feet again.


	10. Elijah

I’m sorry I couldn’t  
Let you near me  
Like I wanted you to be.

I can’t  
Explain to you why  
I’m afraid of you  
Because I love you,

But I’m  
Afraid of you because  
I love you.

I wish I could  
Say to you how much I  
Love you but I’m  
Trying too hard not to push you away  
Like I did when you were  
On top of and inside of me and  
Breathing down my neck  
Like he was and I was  
Trapped  
And scared  
But at least  
This time I wasn’t trapped  
Because you knew.

And I can’t  
Thank you enough  
For knowing so I just  
Apologise instead while I’m  
Curled up away from you  
And while you’re holding me.

I’m sorry I couldn’t  
Let you kiss me  
Like I wanted you to  
And instead had to  
Put back on my dress and just  
Barely touch your lips.


	11. Matthew

This would be so much easier  
If I could say that I  
Don’t know why I let you fuck me again --  
If I could say  
That I was just  
Scared and I was but I  
Know that isn’t all of it. I  
Know there was a  
More vicious motivator in me  
That made me  
Let you  
Hurt me  
And didn’t ever  
Tell you no again  
Because I was afraid  
If I said no, you wouldn’t listen  
And that would somehow be worse  
Than only  
Quietly accepting.  
And it really wasn’t  
All bad with the drugs. At least  
I got some drugs out of it  
And just a  
Spark of hope that maybe you’d  
Change and it could be wonderful. We could have been  
Wonderful and maybe I  
Could feel a little less lonely but we must  
Compromise for the things we want,  
Mustn’t we, my darling?

But you never  
Called me darling, just  
Fucked me while I  
Stared at your ceiling and  
Waited  
At least until I got home to cry  
and puke

And wish you wouldn’t text me again but  
Why did I feel so  
Empty  
When you finally didn’t? Instead of  
Relieved.

Freed.  
And yet still  
Alone.


	12. No One In Particular

Something soft beneath my fingertips  
That sings so soft and so sweet  
Nothings -- just what my brain can’t  
Remember, but my hands play on like they  
Know how.

I play myself a lullaby to  
Fall asleep and not to dream of you.

I play until my hands go numb  
And then I play some more.

Sometimes I’m careful and I  
Watch what I’m doing but sometimes my  
Hands do best if my brain’s not  
Interfering so I stare  
At the rosary that hangs from the wall  
Behind the piano and a picture of  
Saint Paul, and he has  
Music hidden somewhere in his face,  
That’s what, I think, my hands  
Must be playing because they know  
How to read the notes that are  
Hidden under his skin.


	13. Elijah

At night, before I fall asleep,  
I replay in my mind  
Every moment of when your  
Hands grabbed me and held me.  
Every moment of  
Your breath on my skin,  
Quiet murmured I-love-you’s  
Between the rushing pleasure like a storm  
And the tender calm before it.

Just before I fall asleep,  
I play it again and this time  
I skim over some of it  
And the best parts, I play in  
Slow, agonizing detail  
Because I wish that I was there again,  
Feeling your body against mine.

And just as sleep begins  
To grasp at the back of my shirt  
And pull me below the surface,  
I play just the best parts  
Quickly before I fall,  
Bringing me nearly to ecstasy just  
To think of you.  
And those are the parts  
That I file away in my mind  
To keep forever.


	14. Elijah

Today I told you  
The truth  
While your arms held me to your chest  
And after  
Your hands brought me to the edge  
Of a cliff, and pushed me  
Over the edge while I was  
Gasping and moaning,  
Wanting  
To scream your name  
From the top of the mountain off which  
I’d fallen,  
And would have broken all my bones  
If you hadn’t been there  
At the bottom,  
Waiting to catch me  
And so I  
Told you that I lied to you  
Because I was afraid  
You’d think less of me  
For sleeping with a man  
Who raped the fragile young girl  
You like to hold in your arms  
And told you  
How stupid I’d been, but you told me  
That bad people can make us do stupid things  
And I know  
He doesn’t love me  
Because you tell me he’s gone  
And that he won’t hurt me anymore,  
But I don’t think you  
Understand.

You told me  
That he won’t come with us  
When we run away to Scotland.

And you told me  
That he’s  
500 miles away.

But then, how come I can  
Still feel his hands on my body  
And his breath down my neck?

He won’t come with us  
If we run away across the planet.

But he’ll come with me.

And I hate that you remind me of him.  
But I love you because you make me  
Forget.  
And I can’t decide if the  
Extremes are better than facing this alone  
But I love you even if  
You don’t quite understand.


	15. Matthew

I hate you.  
I hate you.  
I hate you.  
I hate you.

I hate your voice.  
I hate your eyes.  
I hate the way you looked at me.  
Wanted me to  
Look at you, but I  
Won’t. (wouldn’t)  
I can’t  
Look at you while you’re  
Hurting me  
( _You’re hurting me._ )

Or I might  
Have to say that you  
Really did hurt me. And I’m  
Scared if I look at you or Elijah, I’ll  
See my reflection in your eyes.  
So I  
Never looked at anyone,  
Not all the way, when their  
Eyes can touch my eyes because I’m  
Too afraid I might see  
Your reflection.


	16. Elijah

I’m standing on the back porch in the  
Sunshine with a cigarette  
Hanging between my lips, smiling  
And talking to you.  
And I realise that I want to be  
With you every day --  
Maybe forever, or at least  
Until I die on the outside --  
Because you make me forget  
That I’m dying on the inside.

I’m sitting on the kitchen counter at a  
Quarter past one in the morning and I  
Think about stealing some vodka  
Out of the liquor cabinet but I  
Think better of it  
And sit there doing  
Nothing and thinking about  
Nothing and everything and I  
Think about stealing some vodka  
Out of the liquor cabinet but I  
Think worse of it.

I’m laying on my bed at  
Half past two and listening  
To The Smiths and I think  
It’s very funny how I don’t feel  
Anything and feel so much all at once  
And I can’t tell if I like it or not  
And I can’t tell if I’m  
Numb or sad or maybe both and I  
Decide that I hate this and I hate  
That I do this to myself and I don’t  
Know why I do this to myself even though I  
Really do know it’s because the  
Alternative is thinking about him and I’d  
Really rather not.


	17. Tyler

I’m laying in bed at noon because I’m  
Sad for no reason and I can’t  
 ~~Don’t want to~~ do anything about it  
And I haven’t spoken to you all day because  
I’m mad at you because you  
Think that you’re my father  
And you’re not.  
So I smoked on your porch again and left  
Cigarette butts on the concrete  
To tell you to go fuck yourself.


	18. Tyler

The gas station is hard  
To pull out of and I’m  
Afraid of the dark when I’m  
Operating heavy machinery  
And I don’t  
Know how to make a  
U-turn and you make me  
Nervous and uncomfortable ever since you  
Touched my breasts in a hotel room  
While mom was sleeping.  
But you pull out a lighter  
And blueberry-flavoured  
Cigarillo and I breathe  
It in as you exhale and the smoke  
Fills the car so maybe this was  
Worth is anyways.


	19. Elijah

I’m laying in bed  
With you and with my eyes  
Closed and my head  
Tilted back while your hands  
Do that thing  
That makes me want to scream  
Your name (but softly  
So your mother doesn’t hear  
Even though I think she  
Must know what we’re  
Doing in here  
And just  
Doesn’t say she does  
So we can  
Keep pretending it’s all just  
Innocent.) The kids are  
Just fine and I'm  
Murmuring your name  
Like the holiest prayer  
While you watch  
And smile because you think I'm  
Beautiful like this.


	20. Elijah

I’m sorry that my  
Brain turned off for a  
Moment there  
While you were  
Fucking me and I had to  
Make sure that you were  
Real and I wasn’t  
Dreaming  
Or making you up  
A year ago to pretend  
It wasn’t his body  
Pressed against mine.


	21. Elijah

I’m sitting at my desk  
With a map of  
Europe and a hangover,  
Remembering all the  
Things I said last night  
And I’m afraid I’ll  
Lose you if I don’t stop  
But I can’t and I need  
Help but I don’t want to  
Ask because I already  
Ask so much of you and  
Give so little in return  
So I’m sorry that I  
Drink so much  
And don’t know what   
To do about it.


	22. Kelly

I sit in the  
Second row of pews on the edge,  
Next to my sister and watch  
You walk in behind Father Tom and  
Deacon Graham, every Sunday,  
Carrying the cross to set it  
Down beside the altar and I watch  
You make your way  
Over to your seat,  
In the corner of the room while we’re  
Singing and then  
Father Tom starts to lead  
Worship but I  
Can’t help being distracted  
By you sitting there  
In the corner of the room while we’re  
Listening to the readings  
And I can’t help but think  
You look very pretty  
Not handsome, but pretty  
And then I  
Listen to you get up and lead the  
Psalms and I think  
Your voice is lovely  
Like your eyes and  
Watch you go back to your seat  
In the corner of the room while we’re  
Confessing our sins and I think  
This must be  
Infidelity  
So I’ll apologise for it  
But I won’t confess because I think  
My love is more fragile  
Than he lets on  
And I’m not sure if I  
Like you more than him but I’m  
Curious and I can’t  
Help but wonder what your  
Hands might feel like -- if they’d be  
Soft and gentle or  
Rough and passionate.  
And maybe we could be  
As good as anything  
And I’d at least know that you  
Believe in God like I do.  
It’s become more of a  
Priority than I ever thought it would be  
And my dog doesn’t like you  
As much as she doesn’t like Elijah so maybe  
It means something  
Or doesn’t  
Like the way I wondered if  
The fact that he looks nothing like the man who  
Took from me  
Meant something  
Or didn’t.  
I think maybe it  
Didn’t. Or I just  
Was afraid to love someone else  
With dark brown eyes and long brown hair  
Like you, but you  
Cut your hair and I think  
You look almost handsome  
But still pretty.


	23. Elijah

I couldn’t tell you why I’m  
So fickle and indecisive.  
Perhaps there’s  
Something wrong with me   
Or perhaps I’m just  
Afraid to wholly invest myself  
In you or anyone else.  
It’s not anything you’ve  
Done and I love you  
So so very much.  
But maybe we shouldn’t  
Be so in denial  
About our inevitable end.  
Maybe if we just  
Embraced that one day we will  
Grow apart  
And all this, too,  
Will end,  
Maybe it wouldn’t be so  
Hard on us  
When it finally does.  
Maybe if we just  
Accepted from the start  
That this wasn’t supposed to  
Last eternity, we wouldn’t  
Think we’d failed when it doesn’t.


	24. Elijah

That isn’t to say  
That I would mind  
If we didn’t end  
If you just held me in your arms  
Like this, forever  
And we never  
Had to know what goodbye  
Sounds like  
From each other’s lips.

Because while I don’t  
Entirely believe  
That human monogamy  
For an entire lifetime is possible, I  
Do believe that I love you  
Enough to try.


End file.
